Why are the auditions so bad this season? You know it's gotta be bad when even Paula can't say anything nice. Whoa!
INTRODUCTION:
The auditions were supposed to get better this week, weren’t they? I mean this is Memphis. It’s in the Deep South, the traditional hot-bed of great singers in the US. It’s close to Nashville. There’s gotta be some displaced country singers at least.
You know it’s bad when I’m looking for country singers.
HURTS SO BAD:
The crew hit Memphis and Memphis did not wow them. There were a lot of crappy auditions. Especially memorable was Robert Lee Holmes - a great name for a serial killer, don't you think - who said he was the next Elvis. He sounded more like Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks. What about the guy who was going to wow the judges with his emotional rendition of a song he was singing in honor of his gal pal? Oh man! His moves made me very emotional if hysterical laughter is an emotion. He also sounded like a bird that was being stomped on…by someone dancing as badly as he was.
Let’s not forget the lady - I can't remember her name - with the fuchsia-colored, cockatoo hair who got upset at the judges for not putting her through and peppered her conversation with a ton of f-words and hand gestures that my children aren’t supposed to see. (Hehe!) Then, there was the ‘sexy’ Janita Burks who was showing her ‘confidentiality’. To be fair, she thought confidentiality had something to with confidence.
Then, there was Christopher McCain - no relation to Edmund McCain (we hope!) - whose wife just left him. She cheated on him and told him she’d rather continue cheating on him. Harsh! He sang to Paula, but Paula wasn’t having it. she said it was a ‘no’ to Hollywood and anything else.
Awww!
IT’S ALL GOOD:
Memphis did give the American Idol competition a total of 22 singers that were good enough to go to Hollywood. That’s the most in one location thus far. Among the top singers was a guy who looked like Osama Bin Laden and Fidel Castro’s love child. Sean Michel could actually sing and Randy was all like, ‘it’s not what you look like, dawg. You can blow.’
Um…okay! Translation please:
Although, sir, you look like a freak and really need to shave and get a hair cut, we think you’re swell. You can sing and well, we haven’t heard a lot of people who can, so please come to Hollywood. Thank you.
Melinda Doolittle is a shy backup singer. She has an amazing voice but really needs to get over her lack of self-confidence. Maybe she can borrow some from other auditioners who think they’re all that when they’re not.
Philip Stacy missed the birth of his second child to attend the auditions in Memphis. What a nice and understanding wife he must have! He sang “My Girl”, but started off so poorly I was sure they were going to say no to Hollywood, but the judges surprised me and let him through.
My final notable for the evening also needs a shave like Sean Michel does. And badly! His soul patch has turned into a cabbage patch. Jason “Sundance” Head is the son of a singer who had a major hit in the 60s. He also has one of the best voices I’ve ever heard. Even Simon thinks he’s a shoo-in for the finals.
Next time, American Idol heads to New York. It promises to be fun, fearless and frightening. Ohhhh! I can’t wait!
